You cannot discover your new oceans unless you have enough courage to lose sight of the shore! Faith is a risk walk, but only those that can take the risk can become rich. For we walk by faith, not by sight (2 Cor. 5:7). Abraham risked his only covenant son to become the father of many nations and the richest man in his generation (Gen. 22:9-12, 15-18). Faith is absolutely seeing Him who is invisible validating His word by handling and turning your impossible situations into testimony (Hebrews 11:27). Faith never fail, you too shall not fail.

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This refers to a process of resolving disputes in an out of court environment. As a result of the large number of cases that pass through formal litigation, many cases are requested to consider ADR prior to being heard in a court of law. Mediation, Negotiation, Collaborative Law as well as Conciliation are the main categories included in the term ADR. Other types include Dispute resolution, and Conflict resolution.

With the exception of Negotiation, all ADR procedures require the presence of a neutral individual who will act as a facilitator and catalyst to open communication. In Collaborative law each party will retain their own counsel to act in the same manner as the neutral individual, but will retain their client best interests at all times.


Saves time and money: Court cases can take months to be heard whilst getting involved in ADR means that timeframe is under the control of both parties and can be resolved much quicker. In addition to saving time, you can also save a substantial amount of money as there is no need to pay attorney fees, court costs and fees that may result from bringing in experts.
More Personal Control: In ADR, both parties will have control over the outcome and will be able to offer solutions that would not be available if the case were brought before a judge. Creative solutions can result in each party being able to adjust their expectations to a common ground or can have an expert offer advice and guidance as in arbitration.

Restoring Cooperation: Due to the nature of ADR, the informal environment enables people to resolve disputes outside of the hostile courtroom where the tone is almost always adversal.
Win-Win Outcome: The outcome of ADR is a mutually beneficial conflict resolution where both parties feel comfortable with their own level of compromise. This is very seldom achieved in a court of law where there essentially has to be a winner and a loser.


Mediation is one of the most popular ADR methods and it involves an impartial third party or mediator to assist in getting two conflicting parties to open dialogue and the parties find a mutually agreeable solution to their conflict. Mediation is ideal for parties that have a relationship that they wish to maintain and restore. (Just like the Boko Haram issue in Nigeria)

Conflict Resolution
Conflict resolution along with dispute resolution and alternative dispute resolution ( ADR) are methods of addressing various sources of conflicts and finding methods of resolving this conflict in a manner that may or may not require legal action.
Conflict management is often confused with conflict resolution, but the management of various conflict issues such as terrorism is a long term approach to an issue and may or may not end in resolution. Conflict resolution is the act of resolving a dispute between two parties.

Conflict Management
Conflict management is required in times of conflict in order to limit the negativity which is counter productive in a team oriented environment. It requires implementing strategies that are used to turn the conflict into a productive aspect of team work. Unlike conflict resolution which aims to resolve and eliminate conflict via mediation and negotiation, conflict management is aimed at making the most of the learning process that conflict can invoke and ensure that the dysfunctions of conflict are kept to a minimum to ensure the highest level of learning through challenge.

Learning conflict management skills will assist us in all areas our lives and having an understanding of how we deal with particular conflict issues will facilitate any further education as well as working relationship we have with people around us.
There are various types of conflicts especially the one we impose on each other in our personal lives.

Understanding the nature of conflict and how we react to it can assist in overcoming the problems. In addition there are various methods that can be implemented in order to resolve the Boko haram issue that is at hand. While conflict may seem to be a stumbling block in our lives, it can also be an excellent learning curve and can result in a much better understanding of how to address certain aspects of our lives.


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As the President-General of the Nigerian Supreme Council for Islamic Affairs [NSCIA], I serve as a Co-Chairman of the Council while the President of the Christian Association of Nigeria [CAN] serves as the other Co-Chairman. The Council is planning to roll out its programme of activities next year, with state offices, enlightenment campaigns and inter-faith dialogues.

I am optimistic that it will contribute positively towards the attainment of peace and religious harmony in Nigeria. I am also confident that our friends and well-wishers, both within and outside Nigeria, will join us in this noble undertaking.

Finally, I wish to avail myself of this opportunity to assure you all of the determination of the religious leadership in Nigeria to make Muslim-Christian conflicts a thing of the past. There are of course great challenges ahead but there is also hope; the hope of greater understanding and co-operation, and the promise of establishing a healthy foundation for Muslim-Christian relations in Nigeria. There could be no better demonstration of Nigeria’s resolve to institutionalize tolerance and harmonious co-existence than this noble gesture”.

Good speech there by His Eminence and I’m sure that this must have earned him a standing ovation. But what is happening today in our dear country is far beyond tolerance and harmonious co existence. The insurgence of the Boko haram sect is a new challenge that is threatening our harmonious co-existence. And we cannot in any way underrate the effects of conflicts in our society. Nothing can be done in a society devoid of peace, and using violence, as a means to solving problems, does not solve problems, rather it creates more problems. It is our collective responsibility that we all pursue peace.

As a Nation, we need peace now more than ever, and that does not come easy. Therefore, there must be a deliberate effort to achieve it. The more the society grows the more complex it becomes and the more it needs peace. There is nothing that affects a society more than the lack of peace and we must do everything possible within our power to ensure that peace reigns in our society and at whatever levels in the community. A lot of people have suggested a lot of solutions to the President and people of Nigeria on various ways this problem could be solved.

Listed below are some of the head lines in our national newspapers on this issue.

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The Reconciliation and Conflict resolution/ Mediation Centre, believes strongly that the presence of a neutral individual or group who will act as a facilitator and a catalyst will open up a clear communications with this sect. We acknowledged that the Federal Government and the security forces at the moment are doing a great job on the legal aspect of the problem, but stressed that our organization as mediators and facilitators can talk about peace in the aspect that everybody would know that we could stand in as a third party instead of having our prisons being congested.

Peace cannot be kept by force. It can only be achieved by understanding. (Albert Einstein).

We expresses confidence that Reconciliation and Conflict resolution/ Mediation Centre, can handle the dreaded Islamic sect who have been terrorizing our country and killing innocent people for so long. Even though the group has done so much havoc, they would, as a matter of necessity, come out for negotiation on a neutral platform. We chat a way of resolving disputes without necessarily going through the prolonged process of the legal system.

Considering the constant crises rocking our societies in various nations and continents of the world today, from the home front to the corporate world and at every level of governance, it is imperative that we employ alternative ways of resolving our differences and generating the much lacking societal peace and tranquility within our geographical locations.

We described the mediator’s role at RCRMC to be that of a third party, who gathers useful information from both parties, especially where it becomes difficult to bring the conflicting parties in a dispute together because of injury they incurred.

Reconciliation and Conflict resolution/ Mediation Centre draws resource persons from Nigeria and abroad among community leaders, Clergies, Imams, Military, Para military, administrators, non governmental organizations (NGO) and champion of industries, on how best to handle and resolve the conflicts and challenges that characterize the department, organizations, families and nation at large. As the world grapples with the issue of unrest, crises and terrorism, these cooperate institutions deem it fit to find alternative means to tackle this global monster and that is our mission. We have personnel’s that cut across all classes of individuals and institutions such as: traditional institutions, clergies, educationists, bankers, champion of industries, politicians, government officials, self-employed, medical practitioners, farmers, transporters and more.

We pointed out that both the Bible and the Quran promotes dialogue. The Quran 2 v 265 says. ‘There is no compulsion in religion’, and the Bible says in the book of John 6 v 44, “No one comes to me except my father draws him”. There are also many other verses in both the Bible and Quran that promotes dialogue, so why then are we destroying and killing one another for not being Muslims or Christians? What do we gain by killing one another over religious differences?

The Muslim doctrines and the Christian doctrines cannot be changed now; the only thing that can be done is for us to develop our knowledge by learning more and having peaceful intellectual discussions on matters of comparative religion instead of promoting hate over religious differences.

We must learn to embrace dialogue as the only reasonable way to handle our differences. Religious crisis is a simple matter to understand, quite straight forward, but resolving it is a huge and complicated issue as evidenced through history. We gave a little analysis on what RCRMC is and why we believes that it is the ideal process of solving the Boko Haram issue if applied properly and most importantly where the conflicting parties need a kind of settlement.

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Dear Reader,
Last week, I started this teaching on how to maintain purity in courtship by showing you the purpose of courtship.

This week, however, I shall continue with that teaching. Some begin quite well in the spirit, but mess up half way by engaging themselves in the works of the flesh (Galatians 5:19-21). All categories of uncleanness are referred to as the works of the flesh. Since courtship is not marriage, you have no marriage rights over the other until marriage is contracted.

Marriage is an honourable thing when the bed is undefiled (Hebrews 13:4). Once the bed is defiled, that marriage has lost its honour. What you do with the bed during courtship amounts to laying a foundation for what your marriage will be like when you get into it. The law of sowing and reaping still holds here (Genesis 8:22).

To maintain purity in courtship, therefore, go in search of knowledge to know what to do during courtship. When you know what to do during courtship, you will be occupied with godliness and have a fulfilled one. The following are the various ways to maintain purity in courtship:

Discuss your visions and goals together: In other not to engage in the works of the flesh, this is the time to discuss about your visions and goals together. This is a very important point to note. Goals and plans for the future ought to be made clear to each other. Marriage is for help, hence, it is a decision made by you to help the other party fulfill his or her goals and vision in life and vice versa. Before I married my husband, I had known what direction he wanted to take. I had known his level of love for God, his character and his integrity. Ours was quite a long courtship but I have no regrets. It has really helped me in being able to understand the kind of person he is and because of that, we have enjoyed every bit of our marriage. A broken courtship is better than a broken marriage though. So, when you discover differences that boarder on incompatibility, it is wiser to dissolve the relationship instead of being another number on the divorce list or another broken marriage amongst many.

Check for maturity: Since the period of courtship is a time of proving all things, it is wisdom to prove his or her maturity. In God’s concept, marriage is for men and women, not for boys and girls (Genesis 2:22 & 24). Maturity is required before marriage. One need to mature spiritually, physically and emotionally and this must be addressed in courtship.

However, maturity can be determined from two viewpoints: age and ability to handle life situations. These two put together, help in determining how mature an individual is. One that is mature for marriage should be able to assume responsibility for his or her actions, and take up the welfare of his or her spouse and children. If you are not mature enough to be a parent, then you are not mature enough for marriage. Adulthood is a basic requirement for success in marriage.

Pray Together: As believers in Christ, you need to take time out to pray together and share God’s Word together. Pray together with the purpose of ascertaining your partner’s spiritual depth and maturity, and genuine love for God.
Play games, visit friends together: In the process of doing this, you get to know who your partner’s real friends are. This is another way of knowing whom you are about marrying (Proverbs 20:13).

Visit family members: It is wise you don’t rush into this step, until your conviction is strengthened and you are becoming surer of your partner. By so doing, you owe your integrity not only to God but also to your family. From the foregoing, you need the wisdom to be able to really discern the kind of man or woman you want to live the rest of your life with.
You need the grace of God to maintain purity in courtship. If this is your desire, then you need to become born again by saying this prayer in faith:

Dear Lord, I come to You today. I am a sinner. Forgive me my sins.  Cleanse me with Your precious Blood. I accept You as my Lord and Saviour.  Now I know I am born again!

Congratulations! Till I come your way again with another anointed version from Mama Faith Oyedepo, call or write, and share your testimonies with me through:
Email: Tel.: +49 174 5788943; +49 208 8690495

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As I reflect upon these questions and the moral dilemmas they engender, I cannot avoid coming to the conclusion that the first challenge we need to take up is the revamping of our value system and the imperative of moral regeneration of the nation. We must build a national consensus on the kind of values we wish to inculcate in our younger generations and popularize in the larger society and work collectively and assiduously to realize them.
I am glad that President Umaru Musa Yar’Adua had, since his assumption of power, recognized the strategic importance of this undertaking and had pledged the commitment of the Federal Government to its realization. Unlike previous campaigns emphasizing form and procedure, we should focus, this time around, on personal and community values which would sustain our mutual co-existence and promote tolerance and understanding.

The second challenge, which must be addressed earnestly, is building sturdy bridges of understanding between Islam and Christianity and between Muslim and Christian communities in Nigeria. Inter-religious dialogue should be serious and sustained and should be handled not by religious entrepreneurs who subsist on these ventures, but by the apex religious organizations involving all the significant strata of the nation’s religious hierarchy. We must not regard these dialogues as mere academic exercises. We must endeavor to carry the message of tolerance and mutual understanding, which these dialogues teach, to our mosques and churches.

The third challenge is the exercise of restraint on the part of politicians especially in the course of their campaigns and political mobilization. The message here is that one can ride to political victory by fanning the embers of religious and ethnic hatred and animosity but stand a good chance of being consumed by the resulting inferno.
Severe sanctions should also be imposed on politicians who promote religious intolerance both by the political parties and the Independent National Electoral Commission [INEC]. It is also essential for elected officials to remain fair and equitable in the system of governance and in safeguarding the welfare of the community. Many of the grievances which contribute to communal and religious conflict are those related to equity and fairness and, indeed, the inability or outright refusal of local officialdom to promote them.

The fourth challenge is the fight against poverty and want, especially in the Northern states, to enable the residents of these states, Muslim and Christian, live decent and productive lives. The nine states in Nigeria with the highest incidence of poverty, according to the Central Bank of Nigeria are northern states. Jigawa State has the highest with 95%, followed by Kebbi (89.7%), Kogi (88.6%), Bauchi (86.3%), Kwara (85.2%), Yobe (83.3%), Zamfara (80.9%) and Sokoto (76.8%).

It is therefore not surprising that while the incidence of poverty stood at 54% nationally, the North-East zone recorded 72.2 percent, followed by the North-West with 71.1 percent and North Central with 67 percent. The other more disturbing phenomenon is the army of unemployed youth in our urban centers. With the systematic erosion of the industrial infrastructure of many of these cities, the problem may get worse unless urgent action is taken to overcome the challenge.

It is, therefore, important for government employment agencies such as the National Directorate of Employment (NDE) to be adequately funded to engage these youth; while subsidized loans should also be provided for them to go into farming as well as to set up small-scale industries. The involvement of non-governmental organizations as well as Nigeria’s international developmental partners, in the campaign for job creation and poverty alleviation, will go a long way in ameliorating these problems.

The fifth challenge is the effective management of religious disputes and conflicts by the security agencies. Many of the major crises had humble beginnings, usually as minor disputes between individuals or communities, which were badly managed.
It is also important for security agencies to maintain their professionalism and neutrality in handling all aspects of religious conflicts and establish proper liaison with traditional authorities as well as religious leaders and scholars. It is also imperative for security agencies to monitor the activities of extremist religious organizations without antagonizing genuine ones.
The need for capacity building which will further sensitize and provide the requisite skills to the relevant security agencies to better manage this category of conflicts should also receive the urgent attention it deserves.

The sixth challenge is managing the fall-out of international crises, the religious implications of which the local environment is quite sensitive to. The Danish cartoon saga was one of them. While it is essential for Nigerians to imbibe the culture of peaceful demonstrations, and some progress is being made in this direction, it is also important for international organizations to open an active dialogue on religious rights and freedoms and on what constitutes proper behavior in a globalized, multi-cultural and religiously sensitive world.
The call for restraint and sensitivity becomes all the more critical especially in the artistic field, where the supposed victim has no right of reply. Moderation and toleration do not presuppose the absence of rights and freedoms. They pre-suppose individuals who possess unfettered rights and freedoms as well as the ability to use them but who choose to exercise them responsibly to avoid hurting the rights and sensibilities of others.
Institutional Framework

One of the key institutions in Nigeria that had played a pivotal role in peace-building and conflict resolution and still contributes quite considerably, especially in the northern states, to the sustenance of religious harmony, is that of Emirs and Chiefs. With centuries of experience at its disposal, the traditional institution not only managed the emirates but regulated the relationship between the emirates and other communities and provided the enabling environment, up to 1976, for the emergence of highly complex and cosmopolitan communities in the Northern states.

The Emirs and Chiefs had been able to record these achievements through a variety of institutional mechanisms that had survived up to this day. At the institutional level, mention must also be made of the Nigeria Inter-Religious Council [NIREC] which, since the beginning of the religious conflicts in 2000, had played a tremendous role in peace building at the federal level. Formed by equal representation from Nigerian Supreme Council for Islamic Affairs [NSCIA] and Christian Association of Nigeria [CAN], it provides a veritable forum for Muslim and Christian leaders to interact, exchange ideas and work collectively to resolve problems between the adherents of the two major religions.

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According to His Eminence, Alhaji Muhammad Sa’ad Abubakar, Sultan of Sokoto, in a speech he delivered at the United States Institute of Peace (USIP), Washington DC, on 13 November, 2007 “We do not need to convince anybody that the series of religious crises witnessed in many Nigerian cities in the last two decades, especially in the Northern states, was not only unhelpful to Nigeria’s socio-economic development but very injurious to Muslim – Christian relations. These crises significantly undermined the basis of our collective existence that took generations, and in some instances, centuries to build and nurture; and resulted in massive loss in human life and material resources, which no society could ill-afford.

But it is also a view I strongly hold that these unfortunate incidents have neither the social base nor the religious justification in Nigerian society. Many families, especially in the South-West and the North Central zones, harbor members of different religious affiliations who had co-existed and continue to co-exist in peace and harmony.

Sultan of Sokoto said that most importantly, Jesus [AS] also occupies a special place in Islamic Doctrine and Eschatology and one cannot be a true Muslim without believing in the Prophet-hood of Isa [AS]. The permission granted to Muslims to marry from the Ahl al-kitab [People of the Book] and to partake of their food, are further proofs of Islam’s goal in establishing harmonious Muslim – Christian relations based on toleration and mutual respect.

Religion and conflict

It is worth pointing out that conflict between Muslims and Christians was, until very recently, a rare occurrence in Nigeria. The dominant form of conflict was of a communal nature, involving clashes over farmlands and the use of other natural resources.

It took the involvement of state and local authorities and the intervention of traditional rulers to re-establish communal property rights and to broker lasting peace. This form of conflict also covers the perennial clashes between cattle nomads, especially the Fulani, and sedentary farmers, who could belong to Hausa, Fulani or other ethnic groups and could be Muslim or non-Muslim.

In the South-West and the South-East zones of the country, communal clashes also constitute the dominant form of conflict. These clashes may, however, assume regional and religious dimensions when they involve Northerners resident in these areas as witnessed in the Shagamu, Aba and Onitsha riots of the past few years. The other dominant form of conflict in Nigeria and especially in the Northern states had been intra-religious, based on doctrinal and other differences which led to some clashes between the adherents of the different sects, some of them resulting in loss of life and property.

Conflicts within Sufi [mystic] groups and between them and the Salafi (Islamic traditionalist-reformist) movement fall into this category. From 1980, the Maitatsine Riots also became a worrisome phenomenon in northern cities. This shadowy group, avowedly anti-modern, struck at Kano, in the North-West, in December of the same year leaving behind over four thousand persons dead.

In 1982, they rioted in Maiduguri and two years later, in Yola , all in the North-East, leaving another trail of casualties, which is almost entirely Muslim. It could be said that serious Muslim-Christian conflict, with pan-regional implications, came to the fore only in the late 1980s and early 1990s with the Kafanchan and Zangon Kataf religious crises, both located in the southern part of Kaduna State, in the North-West of Nigeria.

These two incidents led to massive loss of life, Muslim as well as Christian, and introduced the ominous practice of church and mosque burning.

What caused this major transformation in the nature of religious conflict in Nigeria?

In the numerous conferences and researches which usually follow these unfortunate incidents, our attention is usually drawn to several pertinent issues. Firstly, there was the issue of growing religious activity and consciousness in Nigeria, especially during the last two decades of the 20th Century. The proliferation of mosques and churches in almost all our urban centers and the intensification of mass religious activities, facilitated by ease of mobility and mobilization, helped to bring the issue of religious identity and exclusivity into sharp focus.

Secondly, there are indications to suggest that the transformation in the nature of religious conflict in Nigeria coincided with the period of intense polarization within both the military and civilian elite, who were keen to stake out constituencies and establish relevance in their local communities. This development seriously exacerbated the indigene/settler issue and contributed to growing religious animosity within the affected communities.

Thirdly, attention has also been drawn to the fact that many of these religious conflicts either coincided or came after intense debate over religious matters, which polarized the nation. Nigeria’s membership in the Organization of Islamic Conference (OIC) generated sufficient controversy in the late 1980s and early 1990s as to engender a negative atmosphere for Muslim – Christian relations in the country.

The Sharia’s debates of 1999 – 2002 were equally as rancorous.

Last but not the least, has been the rise of poverty especially in urban areas and the frustrations associated with this phenomenon among the youth, who took advantage of and hijacked these crises to perpetrate arson and plunder not as an expression of religious piety but as a revenge on a society which took little pity in their economic plight. But cogent as these explanations could be, they cannot absolve Nigerians from the burden of moral responsibility or lessen that burden in any way. Otherwise, how do we reconcile the rise in religious activity, the proliferation of mosques and churches and the aggressive display of religious piety with the readiness with which we pounce on our neighbors and townsmen, maiming and killing without any sense of revulsion?

What has happened to the religious virtues of compassion, love, honor and respect for thy neighbor and indeed, the religious sanctity of life and property of a fellow human being? How can a society function and thrive where a person pays no deference to higher authority or judicial institutions but mobilizes his compatriots to wreck havoc on the community? These are some of the questions which are worrisome enough to prick the conscience of every Nigerian and to make everyone in the position of leadership to accord peace-building and religious harmony the attention they so urgently deserve.

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Maintaining Purity In Courtship 1

Dear Reader,

You are welcome once again to this wonderful edition of your favourite column. Here, you have access to the ingredients that make for a successful marital life. They shall be practically delivered into your hand and you shall be richly blessed in Jesus’ name!

I am glad to let you know that, marriage can be one of the sweetest experiences on earth and can also be a bitter pill, depending on how you go about it. The Lord designed marriage from inception to be a thrilling experience filled with joyful events, new discoveries, and the euphoria of companionship.

After designing and creating the blueprint for a happy home, God’s Word says: God saw it and rated it as very good (Genesis 1:31). But the natural man with his own rules and ideologies corrupted it and this led to the “bitter pill” experience in marriage and family.

The Word of God says: Marriage is honourable in all, and the bed undefiled (Hebrews 13:4).

As a born again Christian, God has not left you alone to be confronted with the bitter experiences some have in marriage, through the defilement of the marriage bed in courtship. Rather, He has provided in His Word, guidelines that will help you triumph in any area of your life, including courtship and marriage. If you will just follow them, you will reap the blessings that they carry.

The subject of marriage begins when two individuals, man and woman, make a decision to marry each other. That is where a real relationship begins. A real relationship is one where you love that person enough to be honest; honest about who you are, honest about what you plan to do and be, and honest about how you feel about them.

At this point, God’s Word says: Prove all things (2 Thessalonians 5:21). To prove means to examine. You prove by getting to know the person better. Your would-be spouse needs to be proved. You too need to be proved, in order to know if you can actually be a help to the other party.

This period of waiting and watching before the actual wedding is called courtship. This is the period where you determine if you have made the right choice or not. At such a time, you need to be very alert and not be blinded by romantic feelings, because marriage is not a fantasy, it is a reality. Other most important ingredients next to love in a relationship are openness and honest communication. If, as someone who is preparing for marriage, you are not at the point where you can communicate with transparency and vulnerability, then you need to work on these areas!

Communication is a crucial foundation to every marriage, and open communication is necessary in order to understand what is truly motivating each other when you have differing points of view. Courtship is a period you get more acquainted with your would-be spouse.

Despite the fact that you are getting closer and knowing each other better, courtship period should not be equated to marriage. What you do with this period determines how your marriage will turn out to be. This is actually the foundational stage of marriage.

God’s Word says: If the foundations be destroyed, what can the righteous do? (Psalms 11:3). At this stage, you can’t move in or sleep with your would-be partner in the bid to get to know each other better. It is ungodly, unhealthy and doesn’t allow you establish a good foundation for your marriage. To establish a good and godly foundation for your marriage, you need to accept Jesus who is a present help as your Lord and personal Saviour by saying this prayer:

Dear Lord, I come to You today. I am a sinner. Forgive me my sins.  Cleanse me with Your precious Blood. I accept You as my Lord and Saviour.  Now I know I am born again!

Congratulations! Till I come your way again with another anointed version from Mama Faith Oyedepo, call or write, and share your testimonies with me through:


Tel.: +49 174 5788943; +49 208 8690495

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How Does The Mediation Process Work?

In virtually every situation where negotiation is not going well, or where for one reason or another it seems impossible to get a real discussion going with the other party or parties, it’s worth asking whether bringing in someone else might at least help get communication going.That someone else is likely to be, or act as a mediator.

A market woman who sits down between two others to help them stop fighting over their goods; and the Secretary General of the United Nations who is chairing a meeting of 15 Ambassadors, trying to avart a war, may not seem to have much in common, but both are forms of mediation.


Although a mediator cannot force an outcome, the process is very often effective. The key is the ability of the mediator to create a more productive discussion than the parties could have had by themselves. To do this, mediators help the parties determine facts, they show empathy and impartiality with the parties; and they help the parties generate new ideas.

Mediators also exercise political skills and use persuasion to get people to soften hardline positions. Often though not always, they have a lot of background knowledge of the issue and type of dispute.

Sometimes, the purpose of mediation is more to improve relationship among parties who will have to deal with each other again or even to help them learn how best to handle conflicts with other parties in the future. For example; Many marriages have an issue or two that are brought up time and again. Every argument always seems to come back around. Until the issue is resolved in an acceptable manner to both patries, it will continue to appear and fuel further conflicts.

Often, a mediator has to learn which of these purposes is most important to the parties in a particular case and tailor his service to match the purpose.The following are steps to a formal mediation process:


1) Introductory remarks:

The Mediator must wait for both parties to be present and then makes introductions. The physical setting will be controlled so that no party feels threatened or intimidated. The Mediator will then give an opening statement. This statement outlines the role of the participants and demonstrates the Mediators neutrality. Some mediators will make comments about what they see as the issue and confirm the case data if letters have been pre-submitted. The Mediator will define protocool and set time frame for the process.

There will be a review of the mediation guidelines and the mediator will recap what it is that he has heard as the issue. This opening statement that is made during the introductory remark will chart the cause or set out the ground rules for the mediation, and these ground rules are what will help the whole mediation process to move smoothly.The Mediator will usually ask if Attorneys are present. If they are, they can confer but the clients should speak freely for themselves.Parties should not interrupt each other; the mediator will give each party the opportunity to fully share their sides of the story.

2) Statement of the Problem by the Parities:

The mediator will give each side the opportunity to tell their story uninterrupted. In most cases, the person who requested the mediation session will start first. The statement is NOT necessarily a recite of the facts, but it is to give the parties an opportunity to frame issues in their own minds, and to give the mediator more information on the emotional state of each party. If there are Lawyers present who make the initial statement, the mediator will then ask the client to also make a statement. The rationale behind the statement of the problem is not a search for the truth; it is just a way to help solve the problem.

3) Identification of problem and gathering of information:

In a bid to get enough information, the mediator will ask the parties an open-ended question to get to the emotional undercurrent. This helps the Mediator build rapport between the parties, especially when facilitative style is used. The question will also help the mediator to find common goals between the parties. The mediator will figure out which issues are going to be able to settle and those that will be settled first.

4) Reaching an Agreement:

Once the participants are committed to archieving a negotiated settlement, the mediator will propose a brainstorming session to explore potential solutions. This can lead to a final agreement, which diffuses the conflict and provides a new basis for future relations. In doing this, the mediator may decide to hold a private sesssion with both parties in order to move the negotiations along.This private session will be confidential. It provides a safe environment in which to brainstorm and surface underlying fears. The goal of the session is to find some common ground by exploring lots of options, and to bring about possible solutions for the parties to think about. Parties can also entertain alternative solutions to their problems without committing themselves to offer the solution as concessions.

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How To Avoid and Overcome Disputes | Five Tested and Proven Best Ways

How To Avoid and Overcome Disputes | Five Tested and Proven Best Ways

Disputes, however they are resolved, whether through the courts of law or otherwise, the parties are obliged to compromise. Accordingly, both parties are often in a worse situation than they were before the dispute arose. Even if you do not make any concession for the sake of  a resolution, dispute is still going to cost you something, at least your time. That is why it is wise to avoid disputes and overcome them from the very beginning.

Below are Five proven and tested ways to avoid and overcome disputes: 

1) Learn how to listen: A good definition of listening is this; “Attention with the intention to understand the other person”  Listening is an act which communicates to another. Right now, I am here for you; no one else, just  you. I want to hear and understand what you want to say, I’m all yours. Listening is allowing the other person to set the agenda for the conversation, seeking to clerify his point of view. Ultimately, listening is helping the other person to understand himself better.

So, when I ask you to listen to me and you start giving me advise, you have not done what I asked.

When I ask you to listen to me and you begin to tell me why I shouldn’t feel that way, you are trampling with my feelings.

When I ask you to listen to me and you feel you have to do something to slove my problem, you have failed me. (strange as that may seem)

So please listen and just hear me out, and if you want to talk, wait a minute for your turn; and I will listen to you. 

We should all learn how to listen because almost all the conflicts we have today start when people fail to listen with understanding. One of the greatest gift you can give to sombody is your time. But do it for peace to reign. 

“Talking is sharing, but listning is caring”

2) Avoid bearing grudges or holding your anger for a long time:

 Answer this question: How heavy is a glass of water?

Answer: That depends on how long you have to carry it. For a minute, it’s not a problem, but after an hour, your hand must ache. But after 24 hours, you’ll probably be in a bad shape 

In each instance, the glass weighs exactly the same, but the longer you carry it, the heavier it feels. This is the same with grudge, it can get so heavy that it stops you from living, it destroys you more than the person you are holding it for. Almost all the disputes we have today are as a result of an accumulation of grudges. Learn to forgive and let go. 

3) Learn how to communicate: Nothing destroys a relationship like lack of communication.

Do not bury your concerns, speak them out. Let your opinion be made known to the other party. A problem is unlikely to go away until it is addressed. It is all too easy for positions to become entrenched; but this can easily be avoided by an early discussion and clearification of objectives and lines of demarcations. So often, disputes are created or maintained because there is no real discussion or deliberation over the issue.

It is wrong to make assumptions about the other person’s point of view and willingness to compromise which might be quite wrong. Establish communication and see what happens.  Be open and discuss openly.

4) Learn how to accommodate: This means to surrender one’s own needs and wishes to accommodate the other party. Because we live in a world where someone has to be blamed whenever something unfortunate happens to us; we need to be accommodating.

Accept it when you have made a mistake and say “SORRY”

Accept it when the issues are of more important to the others.

Accept it when you see that the issue will minimize loses when defeat is inevitable.

Accept it when you see that the issue will build goodwill for more important matters. 

Accept it when harmony and stability are particularly important. 

Accommodation may be misinterpreted as weakness, it may leave you feeling taken advantage of more especially if your accommodation is not appreciated. But on the other hand, it demonstrates that you are approachable, it may also be seen that you are generous and selfless. 

5) Avoidance: (“Run away from trouble if you can”  Kenny Rogers) Avoid disputes by simply ignoring the issue or changing the subject. This can be useful as a temporary measure to buy time, and in some minor issues, the problem can solve itself. 

Avoid situations when something is not significant or worth making the trouble.

Avoid it when the cost outweighs the benefit of reconciliation. 

Avoid it to allow the situation to cool down, especially when you see that others can solve the problem more effectively. 

Avoid it when you see the problem as a symption rather than a cause. 

People may see your avoidance as being disinterested, weak or rude, but on the other hand, it allows you to stay away from unnecessary hostility.


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Marriage Mediation is NOT marriage counselling. It is a confidential process where spouses can resolve major disputes. Counselling focuses on feelings and in most times, the past. But marriage mediation focuses on behaviours and the future.

The goal of marriage mediation is to create a co-operative agreement regarding an issue that has been unable to be resolved between spouses. It does not result in a court order, marriage mediation is an agreement a spouse follow out of honour and commitment to have a successful relationship.

Areas of disagreement in marriage may include such issues as:

1) What religon shall the children be raised?

2) How can we as couple be affected by each of our families?

3) Boundries for the inlaws

5) Limit on what information to be shared with inlaws

6) Differing expectations of affections and sex, parental practices, money management and career plan.

7) Unfaithfulness and cheat to spouse

Many relationships may be consumed by disagreement, silent tension,extra marital affairs or bitter vocal argument. These symptoms of toxic relationship often lead to alienation, followed by unhappiness and disaffection that frequently result in divorce or spousal break up. While couples may spend months and often years in marriage counselling to slove marital problems without satisifaction, there may be a better and faster way called Marriage Mediation.

Any of these issues can be resolved through mediation, Spouses WANT to work together. They work together to explore an issue and agree how they will move forward together adderssing the issue. They avoid a situation where one spouse says “Fine, do it your way” and walks away having given in but feeling frustrated and resentful, creating an underlying turmoil in their marriage.

Love it or hate it, your family is your family. Get wise and save your marriage.

The biggest benefit of marriage mediation is that it brings the couples back to a position of being partners and working together rather than being adversaries and trying to win.

Finally, Marriage mediation is the most direct and cost effective way to address current and future issues in your relationship.

At Reconciliation and Conflict Resolution / Mediation Center, we have trained, experienced and qualified mediators whose specialization in marriage and family mediation has earned us a great reputable honor among others. It is the testimonies of people like you, who either has benefited by implimenting the tested and proven strategies on conflict management posted in this website or by direct contact with our mediators during mediation proceedings that has actually placed us as top favorite in conflict resolution. Either ways, we´re confident that you will soon smile in victory if you can take a step now and do just that. I´m sure that thereafter you may let the world know the result of your experience with our services.

If you are interested in finding help in your relationship, then contact us at ( or visit our website at;



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